


It all started with Cologne

by esh_ish



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Amortentia, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 09:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esh_ish/pseuds/esh_ish
Summary: Kinda bad but...here we go...Sirius wears a cologne that everyone hates so he resorts to something a bit more...effective





	It all started with Cologne

“God, Black, your cologne smells awful.” said Lily, as she sat down next to him.

“Hey!” said Sirius, “This costed so much money, U.S. muggle money that is.”

“You got cologne imported from the United States, and it was made by muggles?” asked Lily. “God, how stupid can you get? You don’t have any money!”

“Hey, my uncle just died, and while that is sad, he left me a crap ton of money.”

“Whatever, it smells like cow shite.”

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“-and she said it smells like cow shite. Cow shite! Can you believe?” Sirius asked, in a perfect imitation of Jonathan Van Ness(not that he’d know who that is).

“Well… Padfoot, it’s smells awful.” said James.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend. Just because the girl you’re in love with said something, doesn’t mean you always side with her.” complained Sirius.

“No, this time James is using his brain.” said Remus. “Your cologne smells like hell.”

“You know what? Tomorrow, I’m going to smell so good, and I’ll put all of you to shame!”

“What’s up, y’all?” asked Peter, as he entered the room.

“Where were you?” asked James. “Padfoot was whining.”

“Is it about how his cologne smells like crap?” asked Peter.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” asked Remus.

“Oh, the girl he was supposed to snog today, Sandy, was complaining about how she would never look at him again, so she snogged me. That’s why I was late.” explained Peter.

“Oh my god! I’m losing people to snog because of my cologne!” shouted Sirius.

“Maybe you should always wear that cologne.” muttered Remus, but no one heard.

After Sirius went to the bathroom to cry, James turned to Peter. “You really snogged Sandy?” he asked.

“No,” said Peter, “I made that up. I was listening outside the entire time. I don’t even think he was scheduled to snog Sandy. I don’t think he knows a Sandy. I don’t think I know a Sandy.”

“Good.” said Remus, a little louder than he’d intended. When the other two raised their eyebrows, he hastily added, “For you Pete. Good for you.”

“Yeah, what you said has nothing to do with your crush on Padfoot.” said James.

“Crush? What crush?” asked Peter with fake enthusiasm.

“Why, you don’t know Peter?” asked James.

“I hate both of you.” grumbled Remus, as he launched a pillow in their direction.

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“Cow shite.” muttered Sirius. “Moony thinks I smell like cow shite. Now he’ll never love me. And I have a $30,000 Chanel cologne that smells like crap.”

He was walking around the building(it was around 1 or so, everyone else had slept), and he was thinking of ideas, when he looked at the Marauders Map and saw that Dumbledore was still awake and walking right at his direction. Crap, he thought, as he dove into the nearest classroom, which happened to be a potions room. As he stood up, he almost knocked his head on a shelf that had some random potions on it. He picked the first one he saw, and looked at the label in the moonlight. Oh, this is going to be so great. He smirked, put the bottle in his robe, and went back to the dorm to sleep.

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He woke up early the next morning, taking a long bath and putting the Amortentia on. I’m going to smell so good. James woke up, and as he was passing by, he sniffed and said, “Nice perfume, you smell like Lily and,” he sniffed again, “broom polish? I don’t know what you were going for, but if I wasn’t in love with Lily and way out of your league, I’d shag you on the spot.”

“Excuse me, I’m way out of your league.”

“Whatever help you sleep at night, Shower Hog. Now move.”

Many people commented on his smell, but when he’d asked Remus he said, “You smell like the Hogwarts library and you but like, more you. I don’t know if that makes sense.” It didn’t to Sirius.

“Hey, Sirius.” greeted Lily, as she took her assigned seat next to him. “Are you still wearing that awful cologne or-” she paused and sniffed deeply. “Why the fuck did you borrow James’s cologne. It’s not much better, even if you did realize your mistake and tried to cover it up with jasmine.” Sirius’s mouth dropped open in revelation, but Lily didn’t notice as James just sat down.

“James,” Lily began, “why did you spill all of your cologne on Sirius? He smells just like you.”

“Excuse me? He used your jasmine perfume.”

“Liar.”

“Stupid.”

“Your nostrils probably broke from your awful cologne.”

“Shut up.”

As Slughorn had not entered the room yet Sirius walked to the front of the class, where everyone was watching Lily and James bicker.

“CLASS!” he shouted. Everyone looked at him. “As you can see, these are one of the effects of Amortentia.”

“Amortentia?” asked Lily and James together.

“Yes.” said Sirius. “But you can’t kiss because we’re in class.”

“You’re wearing Amortentia?” asked Remus.

“Yeah, what’s wrong?” asked Sirius.

“God, you’re stupid.” said Remus. “Never mind.”

Slughorn entered the room. “Sirius, my boy, I never knew you had such enthusiasm for potions. Unfortunately, you're not qualified to teach.”

“Probably fortunate, now that I think about it.” muttered Lily under her breath, and James nodded behind her.

Sirius sat down as Slughorn started to teach. He thought about what Moony said. You smell like the Hogwarts library and you but like, more you. I don’t know if that makes sense. All of a sudden it did. He shot out of his seat and looked at Remus. “You...smell more me? Books?” No one in the class got it but Remus, who turned pale. “We'll discuss this after class.” Hopefully they did.


End file.
